Enough.

I am in a world of pain right now.

An epic hangover, the worst of my life, has me bedridden and unable to eat lest I want to spend some quality time with my toilet.  An excruciating headache that I can't get any relief from for the aforementioned reason.  Reading this computer screen is a struggle.  My hair hurts.  No, I haven't just woken up - it's 2pm.

And yet, it's not the first time this week I've felt like shit.

Every day I've woken up feeling... 'off'.  Bit of nausea.  Bit of a headache.  Sluggish, tired, less than excited to face the world.  I resented having to get out of bed.  The slightest attitude from a colleague, a barista, stranger on the train and I'm raging for the rest of the day.  Except around 3pm, when all I wanted to do was crawl under my desk for a disco nap.

I thought I needed more sleep.  Or less sleep.  More vegies. Less stress.  More exercise.  Less takeaway.  I tried it all, and it made no difference.

Then I had a bad day.  Nothing particularly bad, but a lot of little things went wrong.  I stuffed up at work, left my wallet at home, my train was late - that sort of day.  To top it off, I had a bad eyebrow wax after work where the artist actually took off a chunk of skin with the tweezers and left me bleeding.  I walked out, put on my massive black sunglasses and cried as I walked to the train station.

This is ridiculous. I can't be losing my cool over bad eyebrows.  I've been through bigger issues than this and kept it together better than I am at the moment.  What the hell is wrong with me??

I knew it had to be something in my diet.  And I knew that the 'off' feeling that I've been having, the fragile emotions, the lacklustre energy were all connected.  Then the Universe stepped in and kept throwing blog posts, books, conversations and other little hints at me with such regularity that I couldn't ignore it any longer.

Sugar.  Sugar was my problem.  But not a problem I wanted to get rid of.

I.  Love.  Sugar.  I'm all about the hot chocolate with marshmallows, packets of lollies to keep me awake in the afternoon, cupcakes for no reason and dessert every night.  In fact, some nights I would have dessert as my entire dinner.  A whole packet of Delta Creams dunked in milk was my oh-too-often treat after a good or a bad day.

But I had no idea how far this addiction went.  Because sugar is present in so many things that I took to be healthy.  Low fat yoghurt, fruit, sauces, juice.  Loaded with sugar.

I knew that to cut all this sugar out of my life was going to SUCK.  There goes all the treats that I love, and the 'healthy' food that was a staple of my diet.  My thinking would have to adjust, especially my attitude towards food.  The detox is going to hurt.  And I have no doubt that I will question whether it's even worth it.

What I know is this - what I'm doing now clearly isn't working.  I can't mistreat my body like I used to and think I can get away with it.  Recovering takes longer, more foods upset my stomach, and weight doesn't magically disappear.  I need to take better care of myself, not just so I can be healthier in the future but so I'm not a miserable lethargic cow right now.

This blog is a way for me to offload what's in my head and hopefully stop me from going crazy.  It's a way that I can track what I'm doing, if it's working, and maybe show where the weak spots are so I can watch out for them and stay on the plan.  It's also a way for other people to check out what I'm doing, maybe try some things themselves, or just sit back and watch while I go completely mental.  It will happen.  And soon.

And by forcing myself to write this while I feel so miserable, this post will always remind me of how I'm feeling right now.  Yes it may have been the alcohol last night, but I can't blame it for how crappy I've felt for a long time.  I never want to feel like that (or like this) ever again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to sleep.